Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Thanks Jon . .

Last summer as Jon Lester made his comeback to the big leagues after defeating cancer, I wrote about how incredibly inspirational Lester has been to the fans who were watching him. Tonight after Jon Lester threw a no-hitter in just his 37th career start, I thought rather than talk about his bid, I would repost what I posted back then. Enjoy:

With all the Michael Vick's and Tim Donaghy's of the world, professional sports is looking worse by the day. But last night with the bases loaded in the 5th inning, hanging on to a 5-2 lead with Indians phenom Grady Sizemore at the plate, I saw one of the greatest professional sports moments of my life: cancer survivor and Red Sox left hander, Jon Lester, in his first game back with the big club threw a strike past Sizemore to end the inning. His mother, who could barely watch, jumped with excitement as her son pumped his fist on the mound. The camera immediately flashed to his parents to see the elation in their faces. It wasn't the athletes gorgeous actress wife, the Hollywood actor who got front row tickets just for showing up, or the director who lives and dies with every move the team he worships makes. It was the parents who just watched their son go through the horrors of cancer treatment and months later was on a big league mound striking out the best ball players in the world... that's who the cameras flashed to. That's who we should always see on the other end of the lens; and from time to time, we forget that.

To me, watching Jon Lester's parents cheer for him was more exciting than the actual game he was participating in. They were on the edge of their seats the whole night. They were as nervous for him as he was for himself, and would you expect anything less? I was dying for SportsCenter to play an elongated piece about how everything happened for this young man, but instead the question of the night was who has a tougher job: Bud Selig, David Stern, or Roger Godell? A cancer survivor stands on the mound in Cleveland ready to take the stage he took a year ago when he was diagnosed, and we are talking about dog fighting, point shaving, and steroids? Maybe cancer holds a place near and dear to my heart because of how it affects the people around me, but name me the person who says this shouldn't be a bigger story than what sick sh*t Michael Vick does in the off season, and I'll debate him till I'm blue in the face.

I don't want to continue to rant so I won't, but I want to say congratulations to the Lester family, and especially Jon. Anyone who has ever been touched by cancer knows that to see a man do what he has done gives you hope and is an inspiration to all of us. Thanks Jon.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Mr. Blank, I introduce to you . .

I've got the perfect fit for the 2007-2008 Atlanta Falcons at Quarterback, he is a battle tested superstar, in the mold of Michael Vick with the skill of Peyton Manning and the determination of Tom Brady. Verified through Wikipedia, his game would fit the Atlanta offense perfectly, he can move outside of the pocket, tuck and run when neccessary, and he's even played alongside T.O. so you know he can handle the pressure and make the big play downfield to Joe Horn.

He was made for this team and Coach Petrino. He is, #13 formerly of the Miami Sharks in the WFL, he "keeps all the ladies screaming," STEAMIN' WILLIE BEAMEN. Prototypical run and shoot quarterback, he has a cannon for an arm despite shoulder troubles in the past. Now I

know what your thinking, we have Joey Heisman (Harrington) and Daunte
"boatcruise" Culpepper is out there to pick up as well and even off the scrap heap we got chris redman. Those guys put together couldn't hold Beamen's Jock strap, just ask Cap Rooney. Willie Beamen is the guy who the Atlanta Falcons thought they had when they traded every top draft pick they had to get Mike Vick and stop the Chargers from picking him up, while if they had just signed Beamen back then as a free agent and drafted Tomlinson, they would have won at least two superbowls, or been to them.

Now it's not all peaches and cream with Beamen, he has been known to have problems with authority, just ask former coach Tony A'mato, the only man to seemingly have reigned him in after fleeing Miami and signing Beamen to a long-term deal which just recently expired making him the top free agent in the WFL. Reports out of Beamen's camp says that he is prepared to make the jump to the NFL. Another downfall we must mention that although he isn't be indicted by a federal grand jury at the end of the month, it is rumored that Beamen is a child-hood friend of notorious badboy, Adam Jones a.k.a. pacman. It was also rumored that Beamen doesn't like to go out and Make it Rain he has developed his own style by "making it snow" by throwing kilo's of cocaine on the stage at local gentleman's clubs, although this is just a speculation at the time and has never actually been proven it may make most NFL owners nervous. Raiders long-time owner, Al Davis is quoted as saying "I love this guy, He's incredible, I'd have taken him over that fat kid from LSU i got"

Any way you look at it, at least he's not involved in the castration of animals. SIGN HIM UP

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Ode to Steven A.

That's it, I'm all in, if voting for someone to take over for Dan Patrick on the mid-afternoon Big Show on ESPN RADIO is like voting for the MLB all-star game, I'm voting 1,000 times, just like I did for Hideki Okajima, for Steven A. Smith. That's if he'll give up the general hospital role (by the way never try and get a picture for your blog of steven a. smith from google images, the results are eighty, 40-year old fat white guys who work in accounting with random companies throughout california, who'd have thought steven smith was a popular name?) Not only would this be the greatest three hours of radio on the air, but millions of Americans would drive right off the road after hearing how the New York Knicks drafted Ronaldo Balkman with the 21st pick in the 2006 NBA Draft. "BALKMAN, THIS IS ABSURD, BALKMAN" (p.s. after he was selected he said to the New York Media, "even I was surprised to go this high in the draft") now we wonder why Isaiah got fired . . . . . . . . oh wait, you mean he didnt? Since I fully support Steven A. Smith for the job, I'm going to give you the three reasons why:

1. Radio Voice . . all the greats, howard stern, rush limbaugh, even imus (who i'm sure woudln't be invited to guest host the show when Steven A. was on vacation) you could tell their voices after listening to them for 10 miliseconds, you don't confuse their voices with anyone else which is key when hosting a radio show, thats how people know WHO you are, considering they can't see you and all. HE already hosts a show in NEW YORK CITY so he's got a very solid fan base and the over exposure of ESPN has given him the opportunity to have his own television show for a period of time (which should still be on in my opinion, quite frankly) could you mistake Steven A's voice for anyone else? "BREAKING NEWS, IT IS UNBELIEVABLE AND QUITE FRANKLY I'M ASTONISHED AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE NEWS IS YET"

2. Shaq . .known to be a guest on his former television show, the opportunity to have Shaquille O'Neal on the radio at any given time is a major plus, the only other way we could guarentee his appearences is to have a weekly spot with Dan Lebatard, who is very much like Pedro Gomez is to Barry Bonds . "it's the diesel on espn radio fools" "SHAQ MY BOY IS IN THE HOUSE MAKING A RUN AT ANOTHER RING THIS YEAR OR WHAT BIG FELLA" Steven A. Smith is already good with ESPN and he'd be able to bring in some of his big name guests that love to talk the real deal with the legend.

3. BECAUSE MY LUNCH BREAK IS TO BORING . . .After reading the 19 page indictment of Mr. Michael Vick, I headed to lunch, where FINALLY someone agreed with me it was. STEVEN A. we should hold of judgement until after he is found guilty, if the evidence is so favored in one way you don't just throw a man in jail, you have a trial, and THEY throw the man in jail, or he gets off scott free (kinda of like OJ) . But the reason why I say it is because Steven A. has no problem with taking a stand on something even if he is wrong, he still takes a stand and draws a line in the sand that is for sure. I'm on a lunch break for 30 minutes, it's espn radio so at least twelve minutes is eaten up by commercials for progressive direct, which isn't even offered in massachusetts, so I do require the other 18 minutes be filled with entertaining radio, QUITE FRANKLY.


Cops, the first great reality (ok, so semi-reality) television show ever broadcasted on American television. They've brought the show all over America just to show us what kind of real low-lifes there are in this country, must be refreshing to know. But I just have one request for the show, in light of recent events, the National Football League turning into BAR NONE the most law breaking group of athletes on the planet, I have decided to assist the major players at this great reality television show. Forget about bring Cops to Miami, South Central LA, the southside of Chicago, or every other nascar loving area down south, the real action should be to follow around NFL players during the offseason. So, to the producers I'm going to offer you all a few layups, players to follow that you'll definately get a really good show out of and huge ratings:

Why start off with anyone else? seriouslys? Just think if we had thought of this idea six years ago, we could have followed him around throughout the whole time he was wrapping jumper cables to the testicles of pitbulls and putting them on a "mating machine" lol forget the mardi gras special COPS does every year, watching a bunch of pervs hook up dogs to a treadmill fit to make them mate with each other, thats way more disturbing than anything FOX has every produced. quick FYI, let's all pretend like there weren't other major professional football players who joined him at a few of these dog fights from time to time? I'll take Vegas odds on that one, ANY DAY.

In the words of TO "Ray Lewis, double murder case, you know, and I'm the bad guy?" this would have been a classic episode, do you see this guy get pumped up for a game? or after he makes a huge stick? one of the most dominating linebackers of recent years, just imagine filming COPS when he is out at the club and they give him the wrong drink?

I'm in love with a stripper: PACMAN JONES
Despite the fact that your life would most likely be in danger rolling with Pacman and his crew, the episode of COPS would definately net you at least three to five felony arrests, guarenteed. Come to think of it, this would be a better replacement for the Mardi Gras themes Cops episodes
Just imagine the possibilities, he's been arrested in about three different states so you'd get multiple episodes out of this one, you'd span the countries most luxurious strip clubs and make it rain at everyone of them, I mean i think the most overused phrase among strip club goers since the Pacman Vegas All-Star Incident, oh yea ALL STAR GAME OF ANOTHER SPORT, is MAKE IT RAIN. Pacman's friends were going to do an intervention which we could do a COPS episodes on, they stopped the intervention after finding out that they were the ones who he'd need to swear off in his life, resulting in some sort of celebration at the local gentletman's club, three gun shots fired, and one Steven Jackson like excuse as to why the weapons were fired. On a side note, HOW DID PACMAN JONES NOT END UP PLAYING FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI? I mean generally a guy like him play for the U woudln't you think? Any odds of Tank Johnson joining his crew, he does need a new job, ask Pacman's friends, that job pays, pays for lapdances, handguns, and I'm guessing a dog fight bet here and there.
The Cincinnati Bengals: Post Season Wrap-up Celebration
And the answer is places you won't find Carson Palmer. These guys had more arrests as a team, in one season, than the entire league had over the past five seasons. The majority of these issues are "off the field" yet they are still DURING THE SEASON, Just imagine the wrap up party at the end of the season, not like they have work in the morning. Poster-Boy Chris Henry arrested not once, twice, but THREE times this offseason, from the domestic disputes of A.J. Nicholson, disorderly conduct of Quincy Wilson, AT A WEDDING, to the Mathais Askew getting TASERED for having a parking ticket, this franchise would throw one hell of a party. tell me HOW did the guy who actually raced a horse on foot not get arrested at least once? Kudos to you Chad Johnson. COPS get on it . . . .what else is there to do in Cincinnati anyway?
(This includes Chris Henry, he would under normal circumstances get his own show dedicated to the amount of times he's been arrested, but how many trips are we going to make to Ohio anyway?)
How have my lawyers not suggested a name change: Tank Johnson
After recieveing special permission to fly down to the Super Bowl from his peroll officers, you would think that you learn a lesson and MAYBE it's best to stay out of as much trouble as possible. WRONG!?! so when Cops Tank Johnson takes place, were going to require that he goes back on all his promises of leading a better more respectable life, oh wait, he already got kicked off the bears? AND got caught drunk driving at 3:00 a.m.? So what your telling me is that the man who is going to miss part of the season due to suspension, and he's already been to jail is out of work? GET GOING ON THIS SHOW NOW, he doesn't even have a team yet to play for, were giving him time off and he's got money? I smell emmy award.
Honorable Mention Episodes:
University of Miami Alumni Party
Minnesota Vikings Boat Cruise Anniversary Tour (you think they get wild in Minnesota? wait till the Dallas Cowboys w/ Michael Irvin as MC boat cruise)
Maurice Clarett out of Jail christmas Party
OJ Simpson v. John Daly driving Challenge

Friday, July 13, 2007

Why I'd Cheer for Barry!

This summer we will all bear witness to the falling of Henry Aaron as the all time home run champion in Major League Baseball. Barry Lamar Bonds will hit number 756 and become the first player since Babe Ruth to unify both the single season and all-time home run records, whether you like it or not, whether you disagree with how he did it or not, whether you BOO him or not. He is a product of his environment, and that isn't to say it's an excuse for cheating, or justification for what he's done, it's merely to state the facts of the times. This won't be an arguement for his hall of fame induction, nor will it be to justify that he was a phenominal player before he was accused of using performance enhancing substances, this is simply put, why as a fan of major league baseball, I will cheer for Barry Bonds when he hits 756.

After the cancellation of the 1994 World Series of Baseball due to a strike by the Major League Players and it's union, popularity of the sport was at an all-time low, even the considerable dynasty of a very good New York Yankees team throughout the mid-90's, mlb's key franchise, couldn't save Major League Baseball's ratings. Beginning in the summer of 1998 two sluggers, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa captivated America as they chased down one of the most hallowed numbers in all of baseball, 61. Not only did they bring America's Past Time back into the for front of American Sports, but they excited a country in the effortless assault on that record. Behind all that, it was Packing in stadiums, taking magazine covers, dominating headlines, and bringing in major advertising dollars from corporate sponsors.
It is clear to me now, that not only did the owners, general managers, and managers of these ball clubs recognize the unbelievable change in power hitting in the game, but they ignored any suspicion or scent of that. So when these above average athletes zoomed into the panthenon of great power hitters, we all buried our heads in the sand and reaped the benefits of this jolt into the game. Then came the only athlete to ever belt 500 home runs and steal 500+ bases in the history of Major League Baseball, may have or may have not decided to use performance enhancing substances, low and behold the home run record goes from 70 to 73, and Bonds becomes the best power hitter of his generation. WE CONTINUE to ignore all this because of the awe we are all in. I'm amazed now at all the radio heads and writers who seem so strong about having opinions on whether or not he should be condemed for what he may have or may have not done. The reality is, it is way to easy to be a monday morning quarterback on this one, some of us may even just feel "miffed" at what we thought was real, we have an excuse to boo, but owners, gm's and commisioners named Bud, really have nothing to be upset about, nor should they be making stands now, that goes for players too, my mother always said, your just as guilty as the guy doing the crime if you don't try and stop him.
In some people's eyes he is actually becoming more popular because of everything surrounding him. I actually find it disgusting that these ball players were brought before the U.S. Congress to discuss what may have taken place, specifically because of the poverty, crime, and generally horrible sh*t going on in this country, we actually dedicated congressional resources to determine whether or not people who play a f'n game are cheating? It is so rediculous and absolutely absurd that it took place in my mind. Guilty or Not Guilty, rather than having those men maintain a salary for that day, they should go spend that time the poorest sections of the country and use their resources to build up those communities. Instead like most things in this world, our priorities are so screwed up we generally make things worse.
Barry Bonds has done so much charity work for the San Francisco area, he is beloved in that specific part of the country for what he has done, those two geeks who wrote a book about information THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN have been privey to oughta dump all those proceeds to charities that Bonds helps out, those are the real scumbags in this whole thing, what have they done that is so grand? what have they given back to the neighborhoods they grew up in? oh yea, thats right, they wrote a book to make a dollar, please.
If Barry Bonds took steroids, which he very well may have, he's never tested positive in any steroid testing, and we should recognize, good or bad the accomplishment he is about to achieve. I don't care about what is right or wrong in a game, I have larger problems in life to deal with, I realize that, I just wish that those men who sat around with their heads up their rear end because of the money he was lining their pockets with, will come out and congradulate him for what he's done. I'd give him a standing ovation for doing something that only one other man has done in over 60 years (unify) the home run record. If it comes out he abused steroids yes it will be tainted, and yes it will not be nearly the feat that Henry Aaron once achieved, but I cannot make character judgements based on what a book, or newspaper, or radio show gives me, I need to experience what type of person this guy is, first hand to do that. I haven't so all I have to go on is what I've seen, with my own eyes, and that is 73 home runs in one year, and constantly being walked because of two things, the fear of what he'd do with that piece of lumber, and the fact the giants haven't had a number 5 hitter for him EVER, oh yea and I will see him hit 756 and break that record.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Tom Brady v. Derek Jeter . .FOR ONE DAY

After countless conversations with my knucklehead friends, with a few miller lites (and when I say a few, I mean like Vin Baker telling the cops he's had a few) in us, I have decided to end the debate right here. If you could either be Derek Jeter or Tom Brady for a day, Who would you be?

Tom Brady - the golden boy because there is no box for "dating the hottest woman on the planet," and he's not married, the box he would check is single. The man is boasting 3 NFL Championship rings, spending his offseason in the bed of Victoria Secret model, Gisele (does she even need a last name?) OH YEA, and he just dated one of the most gorgeous woman in hollywood, Bridget Moynihan (was ranked in top 99 best looking women in the world on askmen.com) He's been in the NFL (hardest league to stay in) for only 8 years and has already had a Hall of Fame career, being the youngest quarterback since Joe Montana to win a Super Bowl. Tom Brady has been guest host on Saturday Night Live, one of the most watched episodes in recent history. He has been so highly thought of both politically and globally, being a guest at the President's state of the union address and of the Vatican. I just read that he has also been consistantly ranked in Forbes Magazine's top 100 celebrities, that's celebrities, not just athletes, he made $14.5 million as a signing bonus two years ago, along with a contract worth $60 million at the end of it. Along with Derek Jeter both are spokesmen for the one of the most prestigous watch companies in the world (movado) Not the nicest looking watch, yet people have gone out and purchased in droves in both New York, and New England . The bottom line on Tom is, although he gets pushed around and hit by some of the toughest athletes in the world once a week for 17 weeks of the regular season, and then usually multiple playoff games, when you have super models rubbing you down after the game, I'd let king kong throw me around for christ sake.

Derek Jeter the king of New York, hands down, this guy owns New York City, love him or hate him, you got nothing but respect for one of the most decorated athletes of our generation. Ranked ahead of Brady in the 2005 Forbes 100 top celebrities, linked to women like Tyra Banks, Vanessa Manillo, Jessica Alba, and most recently Jessica Biel (not a bad line up), Jeter is a World Series MVP, he is also recognized as the 11th yankee captain in the history of the franchise, a franchise that includes, BABE RUTH, Mickey Mantle, Joe Dimaggio, and Lou Gherig, just to name a few, a FOUR TIME World Series Champion (which we can conclude however important he was to those teams, they were stacked) Derek Jeter is a lock for the Hall of Fame, the day he retires, not only for his numbers but for the sick amount of effort he puts in on an everyday basis. He is the king of the intangible. I've have always said, no matter how much I hate the Yankees, I'd love to see Derek Jeter in a Red Sox Uniform, anyone who says they wouldn't oughta have their fan card revoked. He's a champion through and through. The final thought on Derek Jeter, he plays for a baseball team which is under more pressure than any other team in the country, both from the fans and the media, AND it's owner, he has had to endure having the greatest shortstop possibly in the world get traded to his team and move to third base leaning right to next to him, and still he kept his job. OUTSIDE of the athletic achievements, the guy is a baller in the largest city in the U.S. , dating some of the hottest women in the world, going to the best clubs, he can wake up in the morning and say, I'm DEREK F'n JETER, and your woman would LOVE me.

Edge: Tom Brady - despite me being a Dallas Cowboys fan, did you really think the Red Sox fan in me was going to choose a GOD DAMN YANKEE?!?!? even though TB was caught wearing a yanks hat, the guy was seen on vacation in Paris with Gisele, she waited outside of the San Diego Charges Visitors locker room just to see him, so not only is he dating her, she is waiting on HIM. Now don't get me wrong, half of this has to do with my obsession with how smoking hot his girlfriend is, but the other half is that he will probably win more super bowls in his career than my favorite quarterback of all time Troy Aikman, Tom Brady has probably never dated a woman as crazy as Mariah Carey, nor has he probably ever dated a woman who was romantically linked with a former 98 degrees star. He understands that athletes and "frangrances" aren't always the best ventures, For one day, I'd be Tom Brady -offseason style, no hard hits, only free drinks at bars, and then a little nightcap with a super model. Sorry Jeter.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

All-Star Game 2007 . .does it really still count? seriously?

Lemme break it down for you, this game should mean NOTHING, home field advantage should in NO WAY have anything to do with the mid-summer classic and here's the three reasons why YOU NEED TO KNOW:

1. The fans pick the starters . . the fans, we could dedicate this entire topic to how the moron national league fans vote Bonds over Matt Holliday, great gesture he's got 69 rbi's batting .350 and slugging close to .600 (if it was real, a.k.a. like bush and cheaney had nothing to do with enron, i'm sure the commish had nothing to do with this) fan voting is rediculous, I'm a diehard baseball fan, but how many homers pick up the ballot and vote for everyone from their team to start, Love the sox, but they are a prime example, remember when Kevin Millar finished 2nd among AL firstbasemen, when Kevin Youkilis was platooning every day because Millar was TERRIBLE. Fans you lose your right to vote if this game is going to count for anything, it's ludacris. Who's idea was this to begin with, admit it Bud you were embarrased about what happened at the ASG in Milwaukee, so you wanted to make a move to show everyone you were dumber than they thought. NO one would have cared about the tie game five months later, trust me . .there is way more important shit going on in the world. I remember when the "fans" voted Magic Johnson to the all-star game after he was retired, you didn't see David Stern saying "oh NOW THIS TIME IT COUNTS" this isn't god damn TRL, if the games gonna count, fans should step aside and appoint an AL & NL GM to pick the team based on the year the players are having.

2. Pitchers pitch 1 or 2 innings TOPS; I understand the meaning behind only limiting the pitchers to 1 or 2 innings, so you don't risk the players getting injured, BUT WHY MAKE THE GAME COUNT THEN. when in your right mind would Jake Peavy get replaced by Chris Young after just throwing straight darts for 6 Batters, It'd NEVER HAPPEN. Hideki Okajima sat on the pine last night after every new englander voted for him 1,234,908 times just to see him fly to san francisco and get a jersey??? mandatory, the LAST MAN ballot should play at least 1 inning, no matter what. But he doesn't play IN case the game goes extras, because there is something riding on it, I was OKAY with a Tie, I really didn't care as long as I got to see everyone play, but now that everyone doesn't play, the game has to end, you HAVE to let the pitchers who will win the game Pitch, and more than an inning or two, but no one would go along with that in fear of injury, the game once had pride, remember when Pedro Martinez in front of the world watching dusted back the first 5 batters he faced(not to mention PERENNIAL HALL OF FAMERS ) in the 1999 ALL-Star game, if the game had counted then and he came out of the game, and the American League Lost, and then the sox say went to the WORLD SERIES on the shoulders of Jeff Frye , lol sorry i can't even not laugh at that one. But realistically, if they had gone in a 0-2 whole losing the first two on the road during the world series because Petey came out of the god damn all star game , when Pedro Obviously was prepared to throw a gem , you'd say WTF what if they were at home? atta boy bud.

3. One player from every team must be represented the most rediculous rule ever put in play . . .then the game had to count, and it made it even more rediculous case and point:

Bobby Jenks 2-4 3.88era - white sox got to have somebody
(If I had it my way he'd been Replaced by Kevin Youkilis hitting .328 slugging .502)

so when the White sox are sitting at home in october and the Red Sox are going into the playoffs hmmmmmmm that's fair. BUT IT COUNTS

National League is a better example for this one, because they lose every year

Freddy Sanchez, hitting nearly fifty points below his season average last year, on a team that has a better shot playing in the Canadian american league, whose fans staged an f'n walk out on a game last week, that they'd BOUGHT tickets for, yea he should be a factor in who gets home field advantage
(I'd replace him with Adrian Gonzalez whose average is a little lower, but he's belted 14 homers and with 52 rbi's and slugging .469, OH YEA his team will probably make the playoffs and are sitting in first place)

Concluding, not only am I irritated it counts even though I want the Sox to have home field advantage when they make it to the series, I had to watch three hours of a home run derby made up of primarily guys who were just happy to be in it, no bonds, no griffey, no manny, no ortiz, no rodriguez . . ONE MORE THING . .. tell me you weren't a little suspicious when David Ortiz brought out a special bat for Vlad to win the derby with? Did he grab that from the Sammy "I just wanted to give the fans a show during BP" Sosa Collection . .although I think Vlad could hit out of the park with a toothpick. PEACE